My Story - Part 1

These are the letters that I wrote through my cancer experience. I did not change them at all. I am posting as they were written at that time.


November 6, 2009

When I was 5 weeks pregnant I noticed a small lump on my breast. I brought it up at my 8 week OB appt but nothing was said and there was a lot going on. So I assumed it was just a growing milk duct. At my 12 week OB appt, my doctor did a full PAP and breast exam. The lump was still there and she didn’t say anything so once again I was attributing it to my pregnancy status. About 4 weeks ago, I was looking in the mirror, amazed at how much my body does not resemble the pregnancy pictures of Demi Moore and Kate Winslet but more like the Orangutans that you see in the zoo with the big bellies and the boobs hang down over the abdomen. That’s when I noticed that my right boob looked deformed. I had an appt in two weeks with my OB and brought up again but brought Chris with me and we had her look at it again and asked for maybe a test because it was growing and it didn’t hurt and wasn’t hot to the touch. I was skeptical about the “clogged milk duct” theory or that is was just inflammation. This was last Wednesday. On Friday (last week) I went for an US of the breast. You could tell something was up because they immediately got the radiologist who did a biopsy without even waiting for permission from my OB. The radiologist wouldn’t answer any questions directly and was very evasive. This Tuesday I got a call from my OB at 8 pm at night that it was breast cancer and she didn’t know anymore but set me up for to see a surgical oncologist, who I saw on Thursday (yesterday). On Wednesday, I called to get a copy of the breast biopsy. It is NOT good.  Even  the report from the radiologist said it was cancer and this was before it was even sent to pathology.

 

Here’s what I know so far. I have IDC – Invasive Ductal Cancer of the breast. It is very fast growing and already 4 cm. Once you hit 5 cm – well, let’s just say that is NOT good. The cancer is just changing whatever tissue it infiltrates, for example – you can’t even see any breast tissue left in the tumor. The tumor is very poorly defined with no set borders. So – it’s a grade 3 – the worst. I don’t know what stage I am as I am still going through tests to figure out where it has spread to. I definitely will have to have a total mastectomy and chemo.

 

I liked the oncologist I saw yesterday but he was too basic and seems a bit non- aggressive stating surgery can wait for at least another month and no treatment until after the baby is born.  I sent my biopsy reports yesterday to Dr. Busui – once of my PI’s at the Univ of Michigan. I knew her husband was one of the radiation physicist at U of M and asked if she could recommend anyone up there. By the afternoon, she was scheduled me an appt with the head breast cancer surgeon, radiation oncology, and medical oncologist. I have appts  at Univ of Mich on Monday from 8:30 am until 6 pm. I’m also looking into the Cleveland Clinic.

 

I’m really scared. The surgery and chemo issues aren’t the problems. I’m worried I won’t get to see Natalie grow up and I don’t even know what little Logan will be like and I don’t want to leave Chris. He’s my love.

 

I’m was upset that I didn’t push the breast lump issue sooner but if I had, they say I would have had to abort Logan if I was in the 1^st or early 2^nd trimester. I’m just hoping this isn’t a save a life/lose a life scenario. Logan will be fine at this stage in the pregnancy but will I lose my life for waiting so long.

 

I’ve gotten a lot of support from everyone and anyone can call me at any time. Just remember, I don’t always know what mood I will be in – it changes so fast right now. I might be sobbing one moment, laughing the next, or be really pissy. I’ve gotten a lot of advice including the use of crystals, meditation, and going on the macrobiotic diet.  But it’s all welcome and appreciated.

 

This my politically incorrect – good news/bad news list.

Bad news: I’ll lose one if not both of my boobs

Good news: I can replace them with smaller perkier boobs

Bad news:  I’ll be 40 soon

Good news: I can correspond my mid-life crisis with cancer therapy

For example: With smaller boobs, I can shop in the teen departments and dress like a hoar. I can also wear the long sexy hooker wigs.

 

Bad News: I hear the wigs are hot and itchy

Good News: I’ll be too drunk to notice

 

Bad News: No more titty –f@#K’s for my husband

Good News: At least I don’t have to worry about them falling into my arm pits anymore.

 

Bad News: 1 in 8 women get breast cancer

Good News: I hope I can be your breast cancer statistic in your group of friend.