Spartacus

14 months ago I adopted Spartacus from the Toledo Humane Society. He was about 9 years old and I believe he had a rough life. He had already been through 4 other homes that the previous owner knew about. He was loaded with fleas and was dirty. I adopted him with the intention of giving him a good life (of what was left for him).
Today I had to put Spartacus down and I was upset. I felt like I failed him. He had arthritis, could only walk about 1/2 block at a time. He had trouble breathing and severe anxiety issues. As soon as I would leave the room, he would start to whine. He was food obsessed and could not be potty trained. But he was the sweetest dog you ever would meet. He loved me. As long as Spartacus was around I knew that I would never have to go to the bathroom alone.
But somehow - I know I did the right thing. I could hear God telling me that my job was not to have Spartacus live forever but to make what time he had left special. In that I realized that God was teaching me a lesson. No one will live forever. That is not possible. But to realize that we need to make the most of what time we do have here on Earth. I didn't fail Spartacus. I gave him 14 months of love, security, and attention.
My scans are on Thursday. Hopefully its not an omen that my scans will be bad news. But just a reminder not to focus on whether my clothes are the latest style or whether my hair looks great. It's not about how much I weigh. It's about how I treat others and what can I do to make their journey special too. Spartacus made my journey better.

My Story - Part 5:

January 8, 2010




Had my chemo yesterday and I don't feel too bad yet. But I'm on a lot of antinausea drugs for the first 3 days. My hair started coming out yesterday which sort of freaked me out for awhile . It started with the pubes which was sort of cool. Now I can gently pull areas of hair on my head out in clumbs. But I tried to not pull it until this morning and let Natalie do what every toddler has ever wanted to do but is never allowed. She got to use her safety scissors and give me a hair cut. She even put a clip in it. She was so excited. Wanted to do Daddy's hair next. We stressed that she can never cut her own hair or others. She knows my hair is falling out. I ordered two wigs and they are in. One is a bit like Selma Blair in Hellboy 2 (if you never saw hellboy 2 - you need to - my type of humor). The other wig is a just a light brown should length style. I really wanted to get the long blonde wig that goes down to the middle of my back. But can you believe the first 2 wigs cost $600. I'll have to wait on the blonde hooker wig.


January 27, 2010

ok - Chemo sucks and this stuff better be working. I look and feel like the "Living Dead" and I don't like using the "D" word very often. I could get a job as an extra in a Zombie film.  I have a missing body part, no hair on my head, and I've turned a very unflattering shade of grey. My hands look like they have aged 40 years. They said the side effects were accumulative and they weren't kidding. At first I was thinking this isn't bad. I can handle this but each time the side effects become worse from GI issues, insomnia,  to mouth sores. I have lost my hair on my head but still have to shave my legs - go figure.

 

Three sessions down with 5 to go. One more Andromycin and Cytoxin and then on the 18th of Feb. I start my Taxol regimen. They say the side effects of this one are a little worse and neuropathy is the worst (accumulative too). So - 4 sessions of Taxol, then I get a month off to recoup and then 5 weeks of radiation (5 days a week). Then on to surgery again - more missing body parts.  

 

My mood is cyclic and the emotional roller coaster is tough. I really had a hard time when I heard about the girl from "Survivor" that died last week from breast cancer at the age of 37. The cancer and treatment sounded alot like mine. It brought back all the fears of dying again - it's scary.

 

The good news is I just managed to get into the biphosphonate study before it closed. I was randomized to clodronate (an oral once a day biphos approved in Europe but not the US). The hope is it will prevent the reoccurrence and/or spread of the breast cancer. I'm on it for 3 years. I feel really lucky to be in the study.

 

Logan is doing good. He weighs over 11 lbs now. Natalie loves being a big sister. She also loves wearing my wigs. I’ll have to take a picture and send it out. She thinks she is a rock star.

 

My PET scan is Monday. As you can imagine – I’m a big ball of anxiety. Monday’s results determines the next steps in my life (and how long it lasts). Previously I had asked that people pray for “no new tumors”. I have decided to change my mind and go for the miracle – a Totally cancer-free PET scan!! It could happen. Thanks for the prayers – I wish I could adequately  express how appreciative I am for them.

 

My Story - Part 4: Finally Some Good News

January 4, 2010

Sorry - I know I'm really behind in my updates and a lot has happened. Most of it is really good news too. But I've been in a bit of a funk lately and having trouble digging out of this black depression hole (probably post partum hormones). Plus, the chemo makes my brain a bit foggy and I'm shaky. This makes typing coeherant sentences a bit of a challenge.

 

Here's the scoop:

 

Dec 9th: Went to University of Michigan hospital in the evening to get induced. Took 38 hours for my cervix to cooperate but once it did and they broke my water - labor and delivery only took ONE HOUR. It was an awesome experience. Logan Christopher was born at 4:23 pm on December 11th and even at 34 1/2 weeks he weighed 6 lbs 3 oz. They immediately sent him to NICU and he was intubated, eventually went to C-PAP and was moved to a pediatric floor about 5 days later. He still had to be tube fed but he kept pulling out his tubes. He seems to have some anger issues. On Decemeber 20th, Logan got to come home and it's been a whirlwind of activity. He's doing well and gaining weight.

 

Dec 14th: I went in for my CT and Bone scans. Probably one of the most mentally challenging days so far. I was a physicial and mental wreck. I made a lot of hospital staff cry too. They knew how important these tests were to me. Despite the fact that University of Michigan is so large, it amazes me how many people there know about my case.

 

Dec 16th: I finally got the call that my scans were negative. No spots and no signs of metatstis. I stay at a stage 3 and I have hope that I will get through this. It took me 4 hours to stop crying.

 

Dec 18th: Went in for my first dose of chemo but I wasn't healed enough from delivery. Rescheduled for the next week - which means Christmas Chemo.

 

December 23rd: Had my psych appt with the doctor. I'm having a lot of trouble with post partum depression but this guy isn't listening to me. He asked me if I was thinking of killing myself. Word of advice: NEVER smirk at your psych doc when he asks about suicidal intentions. It just prolongs the visit.

 

December 24th: My first chemo session. Didn't go too bad. It's weird sitting there knowing what you and the others are all facing in the room. Some of us won't make the 5 year survival mark. Many of the women were my age.

 

This Thursday (Jan 7th) is my next chemo session. It's every other week. This is when I start losing me hair and getting more chemo symptoms.

 

Hopefully I'll get a bit more energy and stop feeling so bummed all the time.

My Story - Part 2: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

November 17, 2009

I made it through surgery and I’m home and recuperating. Hope you  didn’t bet otherwise.

 

Had surgery on Friday and it went well. Tumor was large (will get the pathology report on Wednesday). 10 days ago it was measuring about 2 cm, then 4 cm, then 6 – 7cm, in the surgery it was indenting my chest wall. Everyone at the Univ of Michigan Hospital was wonderful to me. Had to stay overnight in the observation unit because I was pregnant. Mastectomy’s are usually outpatient procedures but they needed labor and delivery close by just in case. Good thing too because my uterus got irritated and contracted which I guess freaked out the surgery team. There was a labor and delivery nurse with me the whole time and they changed IV solutions and got me out moving out of OR quick.

 

Today is my 3^rd day post op and I’m moving along pretty well. Just took off the compression dressings today. I knew I didn’t have a boob, I knew it was OK not to have a boob, but it was still freaky to see no boob. There are no outside stitches. They actually use surgical glue to glue my skin back together. Same stuff they use when they declaw a cat.

 

I have two Jackson Pratt drains in – Once they are out, I hear my pain will go down a lot. They really make things sore. Chris makes a great nurse. He has to strip and empty my drains 3x’s a day. My only complaint is his need to show off the “shocker” hand symbol every time he puts on the latex gloves. Not sure if that really is necessary. He’s been waiting on my hand and foot – he’s my angel.

 

Natalie is taking things pretty well. She was really scared at first and but she gets excited when it’s time to empty my drains announcing that its “time to empty mommy’s boobies again”.

 

The game plan so far is: Give me 3 weeks to heal and then Logan has to be induced around the 35^th week. He should be fine. 2 weeks to heal (assuming it’s a vaginal delivery) then it’s on to 8 weeks of aggressive chemo. I’ll have to be on neurlasta (?) shots to keep my white blood cells up, then on to radiation. Somewhere in there I’ll have CT scans and bone scans to check for metastasis.

 

I have a psych consult next week. That should be the toughest appointment yet. The mental part of this whole thing is the worst. In a matter of 20 minutes I’ll break down and go through the whole grieving process of denial, to anger, to screaming at God, to trying to find someone to blame this one, and eventually you just end up on the floor in a fetal position crying “please don’t let me die”.

 

If you are interested – I’ll keep you posted. Feel free to pass this along to anyone you want. Also, if you don’t want these updates, let me know. I know some people have had friends or families members go through this and my emails are just another cruel reminder of what they too are facing.

 

Thanks again for ALL the thoughts and prayers. I wish I could adequately express how much they mean to me.

 

My Story - Part 3: Cue the Creepy Music, It's Time For An Update

My Story - Part 1

These are the letters that I wrote through my cancer experience. I did not change them at all. I am posting as they were written at that time.


November 6, 2009

When I was 5 weeks pregnant I noticed a small lump on my breast. I brought it up at my 8 week OB appt but nothing was said and there was a lot going on. So I assumed it was just a growing milk duct. At my 12 week OB appt, my doctor did a full PAP and breast exam. The lump was still there and she didn’t say anything so once again I was attributing it to my pregnancy status. About 4 weeks ago, I was looking in the mirror, amazed at how much my body does not resemble the pregnancy pictures of Demi Moore and Kate Winslet but more like the Orangutans that you see in the zoo with the big bellies and the boobs hang down over the abdomen. That’s when I noticed that my right boob looked deformed. I had an appt in two weeks with my OB and brought up again but brought Chris with me and we had her look at it again and asked for maybe a test because it was growing and it didn’t hurt and wasn’t hot to the touch. I was skeptical about the “clogged milk duct” theory or that is was just inflammation. This was last Wednesday. On Friday (last week) I went for an US of the breast. You could tell something was up because they immediately got the radiologist who did a biopsy without even waiting for permission from my OB. The radiologist wouldn’t answer any questions directly and was very evasive. This Tuesday I got a call from my OB at 8 pm at night that it was breast cancer and she didn’t know anymore but set me up for to see a surgical oncologist, who I saw on Thursday (yesterday). On Wednesday, I called to get a copy of the breast biopsy. It is NOT good.  Even  the report from the radiologist said it was cancer and this was before it was even sent to pathology.

 

Here’s what I know so far. I have IDC – Invasive Ductal Cancer of the breast. It is very fast growing and already 4 cm. Once you hit 5 cm – well, let’s just say that is NOT good. The cancer is just changing whatever tissue it infiltrates, for example – you can’t even see any breast tissue left in the tumor. The tumor is very poorly defined with no set borders. So – it’s a grade 3 – the worst. I don’t know what stage I am as I am still going through tests to figure out where it has spread to. I definitely will have to have a total mastectomy and chemo.

 

I liked the oncologist I saw yesterday but he was too basic and seems a bit non- aggressive stating surgery can wait for at least another month and no treatment until after the baby is born.  I sent my biopsy reports yesterday to Dr. Busui – once of my PI’s at the Univ of Michigan. I knew her husband was one of the radiation physicist at U of M and asked if she could recommend anyone up there. By the afternoon, she was scheduled me an appt with the head breast cancer surgeon, radiation oncology, and medical oncologist. I have appts  at Univ of Mich on Monday from 8:30 am until 6 pm. I’m also looking into the Cleveland Clinic.

 

I’m really scared. The surgery and chemo issues aren’t the problems. I’m worried I won’t get to see Natalie grow up and I don’t even know what little Logan will be like and I don’t want to leave Chris. He’s my love.

 

I’m was upset that I didn’t push the breast lump issue sooner but if I had, they say I would have had to abort Logan if I was in the 1^st or early 2^nd trimester. I’m just hoping this isn’t a save a life/lose a life scenario. Logan will be fine at this stage in the pregnancy but will I lose my life for waiting so long.

 

I’ve gotten a lot of support from everyone and anyone can call me at any time. Just remember, I don’t always know what mood I will be in – it changes so fast right now. I might be sobbing one moment, laughing the next, or be really pissy. I’ve gotten a lot of advice including the use of crystals, meditation, and going on the macrobiotic diet.  But it’s all welcome and appreciated.

 

This my politically incorrect – good news/bad news list.

Bad news: I’ll lose one if not both of my boobs

Good news: I can replace them with smaller perkier boobs

Bad news:  I’ll be 40 soon

Good news: I can correspond my mid-life crisis with cancer therapy

For example: With smaller boobs, I can shop in the teen departments and dress like a hoar. I can also wear the long sexy hooker wigs.

 

Bad News: I hear the wigs are hot and itchy

Good News: I’ll be too drunk to notice

 

Bad News: No more titty –f@#K’s for my husband

Good News: At least I don’t have to worry about them falling into my arm pits anymore.

 

Bad News: 1 in 8 women get breast cancer

Good News: I hope I can be your breast cancer statistic in your group of friend.

 

To Help or Walk Away

Below is a copy of my 1/21/2014 post from Facebook. I helped out a lady in "need" but was conflicted if that was the right thing to do. I even included the responses I got back – which were conflicted too. Now I told this story to a very spiritual friend of mine recently who immediately concluded that this lady was actually Jesus – in disguise. Though it is a great thought, but I really don't think this was Jesus. I could be wrong but I also forgot to mention something else in my post. This lady told me that her dog’s name was Lucifer. I will admit that this name is a lot less foreboding than “satan” and much easier to pronounce than “mephistopheles”. Even with this name, one might expect a large Rottweiler type dog. But Lucifer was a cute, fat, and very old schnauzer with no hellhound stereotypes.  His most unredeeming quality was his smell. Not sulfur or brimstone but definitely a bad case of DO – doggy odor. I think that Jesus would name his dog with something that sounded a little gentler like Cuddles or Fluffy.  Here’s my facebook post –

 

What is everyone's opinion and thoughts on panhandlers. We have a lot of them around here. Today I saw a 50+ old Caucasian female by Meijers who could barely hold her sign she was shaking so bad from the cold (it was 11 degrees). I want to help but I'm afraid because so many of them are just drug addicts or have some severe mental issues. Are we really helping them or helping out the drug dealers/users? I did stop and pick up the lady. She was freezing. I bought her lunch and then we went shopping in Meijers. I got her a bunch of supplies and food and a nice space heater for her mobile home. I even drove her back to her trailer in Maumee. But my stomach and heart hurt. I want to think I helped her but part of me wonders if I just got taken for a bunch of money. What do you do when you see someone like this?

I work in community service and there are many resources to help those in need. I do not give to pan handlers, I try to donate to places that help those in need, i.e. food banks, homeless shelters ect. My sister always gives but I tell her to be careful. She had a situation where a guy approached her asking for gas money with a story about his wife being in the car and running out of gas, she gave him $20. The very next week the same guy, in the same area came up to her with the exact same story and she told him he told her that story the week before and walked away. I don't know if she still gives as freely as she used to after this incident. I would say do what is in your heart and hopefully you touched hers by taking the time to sit and eat with her, just be careful and aware that the story you are being told may not be the truth.

I pray for them that they will find long lasting relief. Offering warm clothes and food is what St. Francis would have done. The question is: Why was she panhandling in Oregon if she lives in Maumee? and how did she get there? There are organized rings of panhandlers with, well, pimps that take their earnings. Anything you bought her that can be sold probably will. Your kindness is not lost on her though. Just protect yourself.

                                 I think you did a wonderful thing, and she will be eternally grateful to have that direct connection to another person who saw her as a human being, not just a beggar. This was absolutely the right thing to do in this situation. Wish more people would do it. Having said that, I don't give a dime, cup of coffee or the time of day to anyone in DC. I've noticed the same panhandlers, sitting in the same spots for 8 years. I imagine some of them have a higher take home pay than I do from the income they make off tourists. There is one woman in particular that sits on a milk crate outside the Rosslyn metro station. She has been holding the same cardboard sign for 8 years that reads: "unemployed mother if 3, need food." My first question is, who is home with your kids? Secondly, your kids are grown-up by now (according to my coworkers she's been sitting there for years before I saw her) shouldn't your kids be out working and providing for you? Thirdly, why does a Lincoln Town Car pick you up every night (I haven't witnessed this, but that's the word on the street)? There are certainly those in need, like the woman you helped, but it is hard to be charitable when some choose to take advantage of the kind-hearted.

I was looking for scripture to support what you did Laura & there is plenty. But here's just one reference. Isa. 58:6 "No, the kind of fast I want is that you stop oppressing those who work for you and treat them fairly and give them what they earn. Isa. 58:7 I want you to share your food with the hungry and bring right into your own homes those who are helpless, poor, and destitute. Clothe those who are cold, and don't hide from relatives who need your help. Isa. 58:8 "If you do these things, God will shed his own glorious light upon you. He will heal you; your godliness will lead you forward, goodness will be a shield before you, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Isa. 58:9 Then, when you call, the Lord will answer. 'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply. All you need to do is to stop oppressing the weak and stop making false accusations and spreading vicious rumors! Isa. 58:10 "Feed the hungry! Help those in trouble! Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you shall be as bright as day. Isa. 58:11 And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy you with all good things, and keep you healthy too; and you will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. I truly believe that the act of compassion & generosity you showed is pleasing to God. If He tells us to help the poor we ultimately are not responsible for how it is spent, but just that we were obedient to what He asks.
Secondly, I know here in Lincoln NE there are more than enough resources for homeless people & those who work closely with them to provide do say to not give money, but food is ok & clothing, blankets etc. I don't think that is the case in all places but knowing that here helps me to know to not give money to enable a bad habit. You have a good heart! Thank You for serving those less fortunate!